he / him
back in 2012 i lost 70 pounds. i was never like morbidly obese -- i recall only determining my weight loss effort a success when people said "are you still losing weight?" with a concerned tone -- but i was always a little dumpy, or a least perceived myself to be. i wore exclusively xl clothing from the ages of 13 to 23, but once i lost the weight, i started wearing clothes that fit, started figuring out a sense of style that wasn't "drape a bedsheet over oneself." (billie ellish bit my style and i'll never forgive her.) this was also the point of my life when i was most frequently getting my hair cut, so basically, by 2013, i had upgraded from a 5 to a 7, maybe a low 8. i became kinda hot.
the problem is, though, is that when you become kinda hot after years of being sorta dumpy, things change. people look at you differently. people expect new things from you. and these people, they've been hot all their lives, they don't understand how other worlds work. i remember going to a nightclub for a friend's birthday, and one of the other attendees was this gorgeous redhead girl, and she told me she had this game she was playing called "Touch Butts." how you played was, you walked behind someone, you touched their butt, and if they didn't see you, you win. ...hey! that's a game you invent and play when you're cute as a button! no one's gonna be mad seeing they got their butt touched by a hot person! that has literally never been my experience. i cannot play this game with you. even as a 7 (maybe a low 8) "Touch Butts" runs the risk of becoming "Get Face Punched." thank you for believing i belong here, but i cannot live in your world.
but my greatest failure to live as a hot person occurred in an Applebee's in Hudson, Wisconsin. my friend's girlfriend was going to college there, and she was in the school concert band, and he wanted to see her play. i went along because my friend wanted someone he could talk to on the hour-long ride to/from. (a guy at the concert asked me if i played, and i said, 'oh no, i'm a music appreciator.' to that point, it was the dorkiest i'd ever felt.) after the concert, we went to applebee's, and i noticed this girl was staring intently in my direction. but i didn't know if she was staring at me, because i'm not used to being stared at, it seemed likely she was staring at me because a 7 is a Hudson WI 10 but, y'know, applebee's had interesting trinkets all over the place. so i do this slick move, right, i look at the tv, thursday night football's on, nice run montee ball way to rep my fantasy team, turn my head back to the chat my friends are having, on the way back see, yep, she's still looking in my direction. hey. alright! cool! ...but maybe i'm next to a very interesting fern, so ok quick glance at the ballgame, pass play who cares, back to the convo, eyes still on me like it's final fantasy viii. cool. dope. let's get it. let's see what the broncos are doi
i do this five times. and by the fifth time, i feel very certain this girl is staring at me, taking it all in, it is ON. and then i realize... no. no, nothing is on. i just did a quintuple-take. she *saw* me do a quintuple-take. we know she saw me too because we just figured out she was looking at me the whole time. without talking to anyone or even leaving the table i have ruined this social interaction. it is time to finish my fried green beans, let my friend take me home, and never go to an applebee's again. it's over. there'll be more chances, but this is dead.
anyway i race fucking randomizer now. christ. i race randomizer and i listen to the same pop/punk music i did when i was 13, even though i'm at an age where i now have less in common with the bands themselves and more with the parents they're singing about. i keep up with pop/punk, try to stay abreast of what's good in that world, y'know? i was listening to this band called Knuckle Puck, and they have this song where the chorus says, "Take take take take oh take it back, I don't want your double helix." golly gee, wonder what he's singing about. i heard that, and there was this weird moment where, at once, i was 13 and hearing this for the first time and crying sobbing screaming in my head "FINE, MOM! GROUND ME ALL YOU WANT! AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE I STAND!" but i'm also very much 33 and talking to a co-worker about their child's garage band and saying "Derek said WHAT?! About you?! But you work so hard! Ugh, what a way to repay you for all those guitar lessons, I mean my God!" i see the music i like in a different light now. i don't stop listening to it? but i'm considering it from other perspectives.
at some point i became an adult, i guess. physically, not mentally, certainly not emotionally, but people don't tell me i look young anymore. people assume i'm the age i am. i went out to a popular italian chain restaurant with a friend not too long ago -- well, i say he's my friend, but when we were at that restaurant, we were family -- and the waiter recited the wine list to us. i listened politely to that list, and i asked for a Coke Zero. this man thought me an adult, and i had to be like, "A bup bup! *Child.* Allow me to destroy my mouth with cola-drink so that I may not taste the meal. Thank you." so i'm at a point in my life where i need to start drinking alcohol socially in situations where an alcoholic beverage pairs well with a specific meal which i'm ordering. OR? i could start talking about Coke Zero as if it *were* wine. invite the boys over for a tasting party, "Oh ho ho, gents, do I have an evening prepared for you. Currently chilling in my fridge is a plastic-aged 2018 Coke Zero... *Cherry.* Oh, yes, nothing but the best for the gentlemen! My sommelier informed me that this particular vintage was brewed in a vat in the Atlanta foundry -- *highly* exotic, I daresay. Now, my sommelier encouraged me that this vintage pairs pretty well with a Tombstone, and while I have done as Terrance suggested, what I haven't done... Is spared any expense. In the oven. Right now. Is a genuine. *Garlic bread crust* Tombstone, mmm-hmm-hmmmmmmm my men, my merry men, when the moon is full the wolves will howl, indeed! Fathers, lock up your daughters!"
The above paragraph is what we call "testing the character limit" (the joke here is that I have both created a ridiculous nonsense character and am also trying to see how much words I can post in this space)
don't follow my twitch it's not like this but it still sucks